


Raise and get Razed

by Quillstar



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Original Character(s), Secret Santa, They all have pun names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 02:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13471884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quillstar/pseuds/Quillstar
Summary: A Group Of Necromancers Meet The Raven Queen's Elite Squad Of Reapers, What Happens Next Will Shock You!





	Raise and get Razed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Emily_the_Almighty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emily_the_Almighty/gifts).



Some necromancers make their lairs in forgotten crypts, where ancient and powerful evils are waiting to be brought back. Others settle down in dark, damp caves, where they can leech off the life in the soil and stone around them with little chance of being discovered. A special few even conquer entire towns, using the townspeople as sacrifices to summon dangerous demons.

Nick Romancer does all his dark and nefarious projects in the familiar walls of his family barn.

After the day of Story and Song, Nick was the only one in his family left to take care of the family farm. So he hired a bunch of his friends to help him out. Unfortunately, keeping the farm up and running is tough work, plus, Nick had no idea what to do. So he secretly bought a book on necromancy and brought back his mother to ask her for advice. That was several months ago. Today, he finds himself chanting an ancient spell in an attempt to summon a gardening demon to figure out why his pumpkins aren’t growing.

“Hey Nick!” Shouted Nick’s right hand, Rick. “Buddy’s getting the morning glories and the pine needles, Dead’s getting the wheat flour from the kitchen. How long until this thing is summoned? Last time we forgot the offering we were almost killed.”

Nick held up two fingers while he focused on the incantation. To his left was Kell holding a celery stick lit like a candle; to his right Art was holding a hemp tapestry painted with crushed berries. Raeve was ten feet in front of him putting the finishing touches to the summoning circle with some soil and a few barley seeds. Soon, they would be able to get the jump on the market by being the only ones selling pumpkins in the summer.

Nick finished the incantation as storm clouds swirled overhead and lightning began to streak the sky. Raeve set down the last seed, and the summoning circle began to glow. Thunder boomed and the wind howled as the glow illuminated the night and a robed figure began to rise from the ground. The white light amplified the deep crimson red of the robes. A lightning strike highlighting the night sky obscured by the clouds. Then the glow stopped. The storm quieted. The wind shut up. The only thing giving light to the dead of the night were the beeswax candles, covering everything in their red radiance. It was quiet. Buddy and Dead had yet to return.

Nothing was said for another thirty seconds. The air felt heavy. Nick’s heart pounded. “H-hello?” The figure turned to face him as a loud crash was heard in the distance.

“Mr. Romancer.” The figure’s voice was deep and gravely. Nick couldn’t tell if it was a question or a statement.

“Uh y- yes,” he stammered “th- that would be me.” The figure made a point of looking around at his friends and at the now-rotten watermelons that were on a pile next to the circle. Then it looked down at the circle, the robe hiding its face.

“How long have you been doing necromancy?” It asked. Nick gulped.

“A-about a few months sir. Um I- I was hoping you could give me some advice?” Nick forced out. His friends were petrified and he was moments away from needing a change of underwear. “It’s advice you want?” The figure asked, its deep voice giving them a taste of true fear.

“Quite frankly all of this is an insult.” The figure said, it’s voice no longer deep, still very gravely, a bit friendly. “I- I- I- mean your friend here didn’t even finish the circle before you started the incantation. However, uh, I must say, using the watermelons as life wells is, uh, is pretty genius. And the circle is well made too, th- the lines are perfect.” The figure set down the hood of their robe and underneath was a human male, couldn’t have been younger than 50, his skin a pasty white. As he pointed to various other things he either praised or criticised, the robes opened up to reveal he was wearing denim blue jeans and a white t-shirt underneath. Suddenly, the house in the distance burst into flames and the man seemed to suddenly remember why he was here. “Oh right um.” He let his feet touch the ground. “Hey do any of you wanna, uh, check that out?” The man said. Then a large stone rose out of the greenhouse. “Or that.” The five friends stood in shock at what had been happening all night. They knew this man. They had heard his story. They had seen him fight in the day of Story and Song. Nick had fought alongside him. His name was Barry Bluejeans, and he was a reaper, here to arrest them for their necromantic crimes. “I mean seriously my friends are coming here anyways but they’d probably appreciate it if you went to them.”

As Barry started walking around the ritual site, a stone golem and a being wreathed in flames started heading their way. The five necromancers tried to move but were petrified with fear. “Oi Barry!” The golem shouted in a cockney accent as the stones began to fall off and it turned into another human male. This one had dreadlocks and was holding a scythe. Instead of robes he was wearing a black suit and tie. “Why haven’t you arrested these guys.” Nick recognized him as Kravitz, head reaper of the Raven Queen, goddess of death and the thing necromancers have nightmares about.

The being wreathed in flames snapped their fingers and the flames revealed an elf woman with a blond undercut. Her robes, like Barry’s, were also crimson red. “C’mon babe. Don’t tell me you were trying to steal their notes again.” Nick knew the elf too. Her name was Lup, and she was absolutely terrifying, and it wasn’t the fact that her hands were still clearly on fire.

“Could you please stop doing that? You’re a reaper now. On probation. You’re still not off the hook for the whole lich thing you and Lup did.” Kravitz scolded Barry.

“You’re doing the accent again Kravsy.” Lup snickered.

“Oops.” Kravitz said, his cockney accent now dropped. “Force of habit.”

“I’ll have the two of you know I was actually reviewing their work.” Barry said, a hint of annoyance in his voice. “It’s refreshing to see some necromancers who realize that plant life is just as good a source of life energy as animal life.”

“Don’t let Merle know you said that or he’d probably throw a fit.” Lup countered.

None of the necromancers knew how to react. They were afraid to move, as if the slightest action would get them killed. These three were the Raven Queen’s elite squad of bounty hunter reapers, and they were here arresting seven idiots who did everything with plants and dirt.

“Now then,” Kravitz turned to face Nick. “Nick Romancer, you are under ar-” Kravitz was cut off by Lup laughing intensely.

“Nick Romancer! That’s your name? Oh my god that’s fucking amazing!” She screamed as she doubled over.

“Oh my god that’s fucking amazing.” Barry said completely deadpan. “You,” he turned to Rick “what’s your name?”

“Rick. Rick R. Mortus. I’m sor-” Rick was cut off by Lup as she laughed in his face.

“Holy shit this is gold! W- what’s the R stand for?” She pleaded him.

“Roll?”

“YOUR NAME IS RICK ROLL MORTUS? I’M SORRY DID YOUR PARENTS HATE YOU OR SOMETHING?” Lup was currently on the floor dying of laughter. Kravitz gave a loud and obviously fake cough.

“Remember we’re supposed to be arresting them? On multiple counts of using necromancy? And several attempts to summon demons? Does that ring any bells? Barry could you please be the mature one and deal with Raeve Stone while your wife igno-”

“RAEVE STONE? **RAEVE STONE???** ” Lup got up, composed herself, and calmly said “Please excuse me.” She got up and walked towards the burned down house, it’s flames starting to flicker out.

“I’m loving this.” Barry said, a big smile on his face. “Did you just decide to be a necromancer because of your name?”

“Uhhh.” Nick didn’t know how to respond. “I guess it’s just a coincidence? I was named after my mother’s uncle, so like, it wasn’t intentional. The reason I became a necromancer was because I had no idea what I was doing and so I decided to bring back my mom for a little bit while I asked her a bunch of questions. I was just hoping I could get some plant demon to help me figure out how to make pumpkins grow in the summer.” He was so confused. Barry’s smile kept growing while Kravitz kept sighing and burying his face in his hands.

“Why is it always the mothers they want to bring back. Why can’t someone just feel really passionate about their second cousin or great great grandfather for once.” Kravitz complained.

Lup came flying back holding two corpses. She held up the charred one “So who’s this douchebag?”

“H- he’s Dead Mann.” Nick said, baffled at how she was just casually holding up two dead bodies as if she did it every morning.

“Fuck dude he sure is. Name please?” She asked with a toothy grin.

“T- that is his name. Dead Mann.” Nick repeated.

“Holy shit and this one?” She held up a bloody corpse that was still dripping.

“B- Buddy- Buddy Corpse? His name’s Buddy Corpse. It’s- it’s ironic how he- he died really c- cause I can admit that it sounds like bloody corpse but th- that’s his real god given name.”

“May I remind everyone that we are here to Arrest a Very Dangerous Group Of Necromancers that just tried to summon an Actual Demon. Is it too much to ask for some professionalism from you two.” Kravitz scolded. Nick wasn’t sure if Kravitz was their superior officer trying to keep them in line or a rookie who’s tired of his bosses shenanigans.

“Uuuuugh fi-i-i-i-ine.” Lup complained. “Last two. Lightning round before we drag your asses to the Astral Plane. Now go.”

“I- I’m Kell Eaton.” Kell said meekly from Nick’s left.

“Art Outack.” Art said confidently from Nick’s right. “Sorry but my name isn’t a p-”

“Heart attack.” Barry interrupted, a hint of smugness in his voice.

“So this whole arresting us means our souls suffering in the Astral Plane for all eternity right? Yeah just kill me now I’m done.” Art said.

“I’d be happy to.” Kravitz grinned.


End file.
